In Memory Of Jocelyn Clarke


This blog is way over due. I can admit that it has been emotionally challenging for me to sit down and write. Writing for me means thinking about where I am and why. I am now ready and very happy to share this story that I wrote before I left for Asia. It has changed my life!

Jocelyn and I have been good friends for more than 10 years now.

We have shared many days working on film sets together, dressed as police officers or swat team members. Jocelyn is a beautiful girl - 36 years old, 5'5”, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She has a great body and loads of energy. She's a stuntwoman and an amazing roller-blader.
 
This is where her story starts and my journey begins.



It’s 2:00pm. I'm sitting at my friend Jocelyn's kitchen table on a beautiful sunny Monday afternoon. I have come to pay her a visit after she has undergone numerous courses of chemotherapy and radiation treatments for stage IV lung cancer. Once it reaches this stage, most people with this condition do not survive for much longer. . She has lost all of her hair in the course of the treatments. In some ways she looks even more stunning now.


Jocelyn tells me how the development of two new tumors in her brain has begun to affect her nerves and shut down the left side of her body. She can barely lift a plastic cup. In this state, she cannot do many simple things that the rest of us take for granted.

She expresses her disappointment that she can no longer drive her car safely. Every day she feels more of her independence being stripped away. She has been practicing applying make-up with one hand, and finding new ways to move her body. Regardless, as she tells me of her struggles, I am amazed that there is not one suggestion from her tone or mannerisms that suggest she is looking for pity from me. Quite the contrary, through most of her rants, she still has the same sparkling smile in her eyes. 


Sitting there, in utter awe of her positive attitude, something shifts inside me. It's difficult to express what it is that I feel or what happens exactly, but I know that in that moment, something has changed. 



My thoughts turn to my body, and I recognize how attached I am to it. I realize how much I have been taking for granted in my life: driving my car, taking care of myself, being active, and having personal independence. I observe that the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is being physical: moving, exercising, working out, doing yoga, and walking outside. I have never even imagined myself as being unable to do these things, until this very moment. I feel guilty for having thought that my body wasn't good enough in any way, when I have been given so much. 




9:00pm. that same Monday evening I teach a Hatha Yoga class. I sit down on my mat and look out at all the people in my class. One word comes to my mind, as I take in the room - gratitude. I feel a sudden sense of gratitude for everything and everyone. What a gift it is, I think to myself, that I can sit here, right now, and share my yoga practice with all these people. What an amazing opportunity we all have, to be able to move and breathe, and to connect to our bodies.

I took advantage of every opportunity to visit Jocelyn as she underwent more chemotherapy, radiation and brain surgery. As I sat at the end of her hospital bed I felt an overwhelming sense of presence. “There is only this moment and nothing else matters”. In a way time stopped for me and I too began to look at my life differently. I thought about what it really means to be fully present and conscious in the moment. I felt the deepest level of love and connection with my friend during our visits where we were simply just being present with each other. I also began to see how often I was not living in the moment. I was either in the past or the future. We discussed a Bucket List: The things you would do before kicked the can. Jocelyn asked me where I would go and what I would do if I were told I only had two years to live. All of a sudden I had a list of places I wanted to explore. All I could think of from that moment on was HOW CAN I LIVE MORE FULLY, HAPPILY AND CONSCIOUSLY IN THE PRESENT…

I began to look beyond my physical body, I set out to discover where the spirit lives, what creates connection, love and vitality in life.

I am tremendously grateful for this new awareness. I am thankful to Jocelyn and to all the people who have taught me, and who are continuing to teach me through their personal trials and tribulations.

My friend Jocelyn passed away on Valentines Day February 14, 2011. She was a huge inspiration in my life. It was Jocelyn that inspired me to not let excuses stand in my way. Our time together reminded me to live fully in the now and commit to being passionate about everything I do. My trip to Asia was inspired by our conversations. I am so blessed to have had my life touched in this way by such a beautiful spirit.